I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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