I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
