i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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