Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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