my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
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