I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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