Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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