ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Randomize
