well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
