That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Randomize
