Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
