i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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