I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
