Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
someone threw a dead crab at me
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
