tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
