I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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