I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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