Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Randomize
