And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Randomize
