It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
