wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
apparently the secret to your success is patron
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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