Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
porn star boner night. come get it.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
