If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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