That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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