Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
