Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
