I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
