i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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