There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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