I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
