i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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