what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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