I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize