Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
