So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
