Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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