I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
