I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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