I can text with my tongue
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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