Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize