remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize