I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
im six kinds of drunk right now
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize