so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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