I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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