my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
