I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
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