when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
