dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
