she looked like the bat from fern gully.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Randomize
