you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
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