Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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