Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize