Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
