Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
