Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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