Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
