mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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