Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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