I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
