Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
