there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
