Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
