A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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