It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize