i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
