he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
he thought i was a dude.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
